Oh yes, I am! And it feels great!  I can honestly say that this year is one that’s shaping up to be full of challenges and great times.  I had a fantastic night out last Friday with some lovely surprises from friends that I haven’t seen in months!  Lots of laughter and great conversation and for the most part I felt really relaxed!  Usually when I organise a get together thingy with my friends I get a little anxious, hoping that the different circles of mates will mesh and people will have a good time.  Fortunately I had nothing to worry about Friday night!  Drinks at the Lass a little earlier for those that needed to head back early, then dinner at Simple followed by a smashing gig at Dry Bar.  Good times!

I can honestly say that I’m happy to be 30.  None of this oh no, where has my youth gone – do I have to grow up – what have I done with my life kind of life questions.  I still have my youth, minus the angst.  I have grown up and embrace the responsibility that comes with it.  And I know what I’ve done with my life and am looking forward to my future!  So I feel much more confident and content than when I was 20.  I guess I think of it as a kind of a new start.  It’s a new year for me and I have great opportunities before me that I’ve worked hard to create over the past 3 years.  So here I am, at the start of a great year!

Seriously, I don’t remember being this run off my feet.  Ok maybe during pre-sessional teaching loads but at least then I was focused on one thing: teaching!  Here I’ve got 2 different tasks and 3 different points of view to synthesize in some way!  The Educational Researcher training and PhD highwire balance is taking its toll a little as I’m trying to find ways to sort out my theory(ies) and thinking in order to adapt to the requirements of this first year!  That alone is always, ALWAYS brewing in the back of my head.  It is an interesting intellectual challenge but a challenge nonetheless.  I’m not quite clear as to the direction that I’m taking, and I’m realizing that I’m actually putting off sorting out the finer details of the PhD proposal to a later date mentally.  I need to sort this out now in order to get myself on the right track, or at least propel myself forward in with greater momentum.

Part of that is the funding issue and the work – life balance.  Ok not much of a work  – life balance as I always seems to be working and thinking ahead.  I don’t mind so much.  It’s more the focus of where I am and where I want to be and the fact that I can’t seem to focus as much with the responsibilities heaped on my head when it comes to my teaching job.  I love where I work and I really enjoy my job, but it does get to be a little frustrating when they don’t realize that I don’t have the time to run around for information as much as I did in the past.  I believe I’m quite flexible and I’ve learned to go with the flow of changing schedules and dealing with a higher degree of uncertainty than most individuals.  I think that comes from living abroad and in different places.    But when I got the intellectual issues of balances between what is essentially 2 different requirements I find that I less patience for ambiguity than before. 

That isn’t to say that I’m not happy to be back -far from it!  As I approach my 30th birthday I look back at what has been a very, VERY eventful year.  Not an easy year, and not a boring year either!  I think I’m hoping to take tomorrow as a day of rest.  A time to stop, see the people I care about and who care about me to celebrate (early) my birthday before starting back on the grind.  It’ll be great!

I am so excited/relieved/happy to be heading back to England.  Honestly I felt that I’ve been on hold for so long that I’m almost beginning to get used to it.  I found myself thinking of a plan B which (gulp) involved living in Calgary.  That visa took so long that I started to see myself based in Calgary.  Almost.  There was this nagging feeling that made me go “Stop! Wait!” and focus on what waited for me in England. 

Home.  I’m going home!  That is a great feeling knowing that you finally get to leave and go where you’re suppose to be.  I don’t feel particularly sad to be leaving my family as I’ve come and gone many times in the past.  I think I always know that I’ll see them again soon.  I’ve always been rather independent and that comes with having to make a living alone out in a foreign country.  Some people I know think that it’s very strange that I’m living away from my family.  That I should be closer to home.  But why?  At this stage in my life I’m embarking on a new journey, one that I’ve been wanting to do for sometime: study at a PhD level.  It just happens that the best place to do it is across the ocean from my family.  They understand that this is the way I live my life.  I wish others would stop the ” you really should be closer to your roots” sermon and maybe get outside their small world.  They may just learn that life isn’t just about how close Walmart/coffee shop/school/spa  is to your house but that there are other views that are just a valid as their own. 

Whew, enough of that!  Onwards!  The reality of my studies is slowly dawning on me.  It’s not that I’m not aware of what I’m getting myself into.  It’s that feeling of “can I really do this?”  that is slowly but surely creeping up on me.  I’m trying not to tie any sort of expectation to this coming year, it’s more “I’ve planned to do this, so let’s see how I get there” kind of outlook.  I’ve been learning that I set myself up for disappointment and unnecessary anxiety when I start to think of all the what-ifs.  It’s hard not to.  I’m a worry wart in that sense!  There have been many times in the past where I’ve had to mentally stop and just do nothing for a few minutes.  Once I’ve cleared my head, I can start to see why I’m reacting in such a way and kinda re-centre myself.  Like taking a deep breath mentally before moving on.  I want to succeed so badly that I have to stop myself from getting worked up even before it’s started.  So here’s to a great journey, both to England and beyond!

Today I received the news that I’ve been dying to hear:  “Your visa has been issued!”

Success! 

I got up, did my victory dance around my chair.  Threw my hands up and my head back and breathed THE biggest sigh of relief, ever.  Honestly, it feels like a door has just been opened and I can continue on my journey.  I can move forward.  I can look forward with certainty and with intent!  I can plan.  I have motivation. The past 2 weeks have been a slow kind of hell.  I’ve been waiting anxiously and my patience with the world in general has grown very, VERY thin as of late.  I’ve found myself in the foulest of moods.  Like on PMS but armed with a metaphorical rocket launcher ready to blow whatever I came across.

My mother asking me about my plans for the weekend – BOOM

A cold caller – BOOM

Slow internet connection – BOOM

Pla-Plah chomping on my thumb whilst trying to feed him – BOOM

Sunshine – BOOM

I mean I was just a big grump and took it out on people.  It’s no excuse.  Yesterday I found myself lying in bed that evening feeling tired of being angry and anxious.  It was a strange moment because I just decided to call out to God/the Universe/the World/Anyone and ask for my visa to be granted.  It was an angry and whiney and desperate request but it was an honest one.  I was really serious that evening.  I think part of me was just so tired to this waiting game that part of me threw that request out with hopes that someone was listening.

So back to the present – and I was totally surprised to read that email this morning and even more shocked that I got an answer.  Me, the cynic, the realist, in a last ditch, hail mary type of prayer?!  And have it actually answered?!  Sure it could have been coincidence…but with my lack of luck with anything visa related, I certainly feel that someone out there was listening that night.

Fish woes

(You know you have a slow weekend when…) 

Since my mother acquired “Pla-Plah”, the oscar cichlid suffering from swim bladder and hole-in-the-head disease, I’ve been working on trying to cure the little bugger.  Oscar cichlid fish are rather aggressive types, and are rather interesting to keep.  This one, in particular, has got a passive-aggressive streak.  Curious in a fish.  Seriously, if he doesn’t like something – like changing the water – he’ll float on his side and pretend he’s dead.  Go figure.

Anyhow I wanted to tackle the swim bladder first as it was related to his ability to digest food.  The poor fish had about a quarter of its body sticking out of the surface of the water that he had to spend a lot of energy trying to stay submerged so his back wouldn’t dry out.  Well, I scoured the internet looking for a cause and a cure.  Lo and behold, I found both.  Swim bladder is related to digestion, where basically he couldn’t digest everything his ate properly because he had a lot of gas in him.  Or the fish was constipated.  Really.  The cure: Peas.  Yeah I had to read that again after laughing. 

So here I am thinking, “Great!  A few peas should do it and he’ll be fine!”.  Not exactly at first.  For one, peas sink and a fish that can’t dive well can’t eat food that rests at the bottom of the tank.  Secondly when he did manage to chomp on one he immediately spat it out.  Picky, picky.  He did eat regular fish pellets with gusto – a healthy appetite is a good sign that he’s still ok.  So what I did was mash the peas up and coat the fish pellets  so that he’d have to eat his food and the peas.  After three days of doing this Pla-Plah sank a good 1/2 inch and seemed able to dive better.  2 weeks later, he’s swimming beneath the surface but still floating about and inch beneath the surface.  So not quite out of the wood work yet.  I’m trying to get him to a state where he doesn’t float automatically up but can choose to float to the surface. 

Now for hole-in-the-head disease.  Again, Google search revealed that no one knows quite what causes this disease.  There are a number of factors that can play a part.  And there isn’t a cure, just treatment to slow it down – vitamins.  Other than changing the water more frequently (once a week instead of fortnightly), I’ve powdered a regular multivitamin and mixed it into the peas.  I’m trying to find fish vitamins to make it easier to feed this guy but so far, nothing yet.  Only time will tell if the vitamins and water changes will be enough to keep that hole from getting bigger.

Sheesh – all that for a fish?!