To be Canadian…

I’m back in Canada. And it’s nice. A little strange, as usual, but nice. Kind of a reminder of where I come from. Not only being in Canada but being thrown back into the Filipino community. Listening to my family speak to each other, the copious amounts of food and the general in-jokes that my brother and I share that only first generation children like us can get. It’s kinda cool, but I do miss home – as in England = home.

Being back with my parents is really nice though as their adult child it can be a little frustrating to be an observer when I see my parents interact. They get along in a rather perfunctory way but there is always this underlying tension that builds and erupts then subsides. Cyclical and cynical at the same time. They’re better apart than together in my opinion. They know that too. But it is their life and their decision to put up with each other. So who knows.

And who knows how much patience I’ll have with these two. Or how much I can take living at home for the next while. Don’t get me wrong, it is great to be ‘mom-ed’ but I do miss my independence. I envy my brother in some ways as he has his own house. But then I’ve lived abroad for several years while he’s had to put up with the mess at home. So it is pretty even in the end.

I miss Manchester though. Even the rain.

Heatwave musings and last minute stuff

Its not quite last minute. Hell, even spur of the moment. I’ve been way to organised for my own good at times, y’know. Packed (more or less) and sorted for the flight (kinda). Flat is looking to be let out soon(ish) and I’m almost ready.

It’s a weird, really weird state of mind that I find myself in. On one hand I’m really frustrated with the immigration decision. On the other hand, I’m looking forward to the opportunities ahead of me. The fact that I have to leave my home hasn’t really hit me yet. It feels more like a holiday than actually leaving.

In a way it is. It’s not forever as I do see myself in UK in the future. Its more the feeling of starting over…again. For the first time in a while, I felt like my life was actually settling down a bit. Or at least I got a bit of security – not only financially but futurewise, that I knew that I had another year of the same thing to look forward to. Now, a year later, I find myself at the brink, at the starting point – again!

Eight years of doing this. It’s really all I’ve ever known for nearly a decade. Flexibility. Adapting. Moulding. Focus. Goal setting. Achievement. Determination.

Change.

Maybe it’s because I’m getting older that I’m longing for a little bit of security. A life that I can count on to stay steady for at least 2 years. After that, maybe I’ll change my mind and look for another road to travel.

Calm amidst the chaos

So in light of this being my last week in the UK for a while, I’m struck with a strange sense of ‘reality check’. Last Friday during the celebration when loads of my coworkers and collegues showed up to wish me farewell, it dawned on me that I’m leaving.

What timing! I mean I knew I was leaving, and despite halfheartedly packing and sorting all my crap out I found that it was all just a little ‘over there’ kinda feeling. The one where you end up standing outside of yourself and watching what you do. Like being completely removed yet at the centre of the situation.

So here I am, and I’ve got really mixed feelings of how I feel and what I think. It’s a little disconcerting when I stop and think about all the people that I care about. I mean, this is my home, and being forced to leave it is something that I have yet to really come to terms with.

I have yet to also come to terms with the choices that I have before me. It’s exciting and at the same time unerving. That fear of the unknown and what ifs. I think part of me wants a bit of security in my life, the other is looking for change. I wonder if I can have both.