Some things are better left as is

Well I can say that I honestly tried.  After nearly a year of no contact I thought it was about time that I reached out and try to re-establish a sort of friendship with my ex.  Sadly, I guess he wasn’t really up for it.

It started with me feeling that I wanted to start my 30th year with a clean slate, with no hang ups or regrets – and that includes broken relationships.  I don’t have any sort of feelings for him anymore and that I’d forgiven him for leaving.  Yes I was angry for a long time and it took that long to rebuild my self-esteem to an even better place than when he left.  So I felt I was in a good place mentally and emotionally to try to see if we could be friends.

So I sent an email out to let him know I’m still in Manchester, I’m doing well; asked what he’s up to and told him what I’m up to nowadays.  Short and simple to open the door.  He was polite enough to acknowledge my email and sent a reply but no further questions about my life or what’s going on.  He is busy, as always, but you’d think after all this time he’d at least ask a question.  It was just 2 lines.  I sort of got the impression that he wasn’t interested in a friendship.  Or that he was too busy to bother. 

Whatever it was I figure maybe it is time to just leave it be and stop trying to reach out.  If he wants to say hi he knows where I am.  It’s just a shame after all we’ve been through at least we could have been mates.  Maybe it’s just not one of those things.  Nonetheless I hope he’s ok and wish him well.  And nothing more.

I am 30

Oh yes, I am! And it feels great!  I can honestly say that this year is one that’s shaping up to be full of challenges and great times.  I had a fantastic night out last Friday with some lovely surprises from friends that I haven’t seen in months!  Lots of laughter and great conversation and for the most part I felt really relaxed!  Usually when I organise a get together thingy with my friends I get a little anxious, hoping that the different circles of mates will mesh and people will have a good time.  Fortunately I had nothing to worry about Friday night!  Drinks at the Lass a little earlier for those that needed to head back early, then dinner at Simple followed by a smashing gig at Dry Bar.  Good times!

I can honestly say that I’m happy to be 30.  None of this oh no, where has my youth gone – do I have to grow up – what have I done with my life kind of life questions.  I still have my youth, minus the angst.  I have grown up and embrace the responsibility that comes with it.  And I know what I’ve done with my life and am looking forward to my future!  So I feel much more confident and content than when I was 20.  I guess I think of it as a kind of a new start.  It’s a new year for me and I have great opportunities before me that I’ve worked hard to create over the past 3 years.  So here I am, at the start of a great year!

A long week before The birthday!

Seriously, I don’t remember being this run off my feet.  Ok maybe during pre-sessional teaching loads but at least then I was focused on one thing: teaching!  Here I’ve got 2 different tasks and 3 different points of view to synthesize in some way!  The Educational Researcher training and PhD highwire balance is taking its toll a little as I’m trying to find ways to sort out my theory(ies) and thinking in order to adapt to the requirements of this first year!  That alone is always, ALWAYS brewing in the back of my head.  It is an interesting intellectual challenge but a challenge nonetheless.  I’m not quite clear as to the direction that I’m taking, and I’m realizing that I’m actually putting off sorting out the finer details of the PhD proposal to a later date mentally.  I need to sort this out now in order to get myself on the right track, or at least propel myself forward in with greater momentum.

Part of that is the funding issue and the work – life balance.  Ok not much of a work  – life balance as I always seems to be working and thinking ahead.  I don’t mind so much.  It’s more the focus of where I am and where I want to be and the fact that I can’t seem to focus as much with the responsibilities heaped on my head when it comes to my teaching job.  I love where I work and I really enjoy my job, but it does get to be a little frustrating when they don’t realize that I don’t have the time to run around for information as much as I did in the past.  I believe I’m quite flexible and I’ve learned to go with the flow of changing schedules and dealing with a higher degree of uncertainty than most individuals.  I think that comes from living abroad and in different places.    But when I got the intellectual issues of balances between what is essentially 2 different requirements I find that I less patience for ambiguity than before. 

That isn’t to say that I’m not happy to be back -far from it!  As I approach my 30th birthday I look back at what has been a very, VERY eventful year.  Not an easy year, and not a boring year either!  I think I’m hoping to take tomorrow as a day of rest.  A time to stop, see the people I care about and who care about me to celebrate (early) my birthday before starting back on the grind.  It’ll be great!