I am 30

Oh yes, I am! And it feels great!  I can honestly say that this year is one that’s shaping up to be full of challenges and great times.  I had a fantastic night out last Friday with some lovely surprises from friends that I haven’t seen in months!  Lots of laughter and great conversation and for the most part I felt really relaxed!  Usually when I organise a get together thingy with my friends I get a little anxious, hoping that the different circles of mates will mesh and people will have a good time.  Fortunately I had nothing to worry about Friday night!  Drinks at the Lass a little earlier for those that needed to head back early, then dinner at Simple followed by a smashing gig at Dry Bar.  Good times!

I can honestly say that I’m happy to be 30.  None of this oh no, where has my youth gone – do I have to grow up – what have I done with my life kind of life questions.  I still have my youth, minus the angst.  I have grown up and embrace the responsibility that comes with it.  And I know what I’ve done with my life and am looking forward to my future!  So I feel much more confident and content than when I was 20.  I guess I think of it as a kind of a new start.  It’s a new year for me and I have great opportunities before me that I’ve worked hard to create over the past 3 years.  So here I am, at the start of a great year!

A long week before The birthday!

Seriously, I don’t remember being this run off my feet.  Ok maybe during pre-sessional teaching loads but at least then I was focused on one thing: teaching!  Here I’ve got 2 different tasks and 3 different points of view to synthesize in some way!  The Educational Researcher training and PhD highwire balance is taking its toll a little as I’m trying to find ways to sort out my theory(ies) and thinking in order to adapt to the requirements of this first year!  That alone is always, ALWAYS brewing in the back of my head.  It is an interesting intellectual challenge but a challenge nonetheless.  I’m not quite clear as to the direction that I’m taking, and I’m realizing that I’m actually putting off sorting out the finer details of the PhD proposal to a later date mentally.  I need to sort this out now in order to get myself on the right track, or at least propel myself forward in with greater momentum.

Part of that is the funding issue and the work – life balance.  Ok not much of a work  – life balance as I always seems to be working and thinking ahead.  I don’t mind so much.  It’s more the focus of where I am and where I want to be and the fact that I can’t seem to focus as much with the responsibilities heaped on my head when it comes to my teaching job.  I love where I work and I really enjoy my job, but it does get to be a little frustrating when they don’t realize that I don’t have the time to run around for information as much as I did in the past.  I believe I’m quite flexible and I’ve learned to go with the flow of changing schedules and dealing with a higher degree of uncertainty than most individuals.  I think that comes from living abroad and in different places.    But when I got the intellectual issues of balances between what is essentially 2 different requirements I find that I less patience for ambiguity than before. 

That isn’t to say that I’m not happy to be back -far from it!  As I approach my 30th birthday I look back at what has been a very, VERY eventful year.  Not an easy year, and not a boring year either!  I think I’m hoping to take tomorrow as a day of rest.  A time to stop, see the people I care about and who care about me to celebrate (early) my birthday before starting back on the grind.  It’ll be great!

Finally on the way home and on the road!

I am so excited/relieved/happy to be heading back to England.  Honestly I felt that I’ve been on hold for so long that I’m almost beginning to get used to it.  I found myself thinking of a plan B which (gulp) involved living in Calgary.  That visa took so long that I started to see myself based in Calgary.  Almost.  There was this nagging feeling that made me go “Stop! Wait!” and focus on what waited for me in England. 

Home.  I’m going home!  That is a great feeling knowing that you finally get to leave and go where you’re suppose to be.  I don’t feel particularly sad to be leaving my family as I’ve come and gone many times in the past.  I think I always know that I’ll see them again soon.  I’ve always been rather independent and that comes with having to make a living alone out in a foreign country.  Some people I know think that it’s very strange that I’m living away from my family.  That I should be closer to home.  But why?  At this stage in my life I’m embarking on a new journey, one that I’ve been wanting to do for sometime: study at a PhD level.  It just happens that the best place to do it is across the ocean from my family.  They understand that this is the way I live my life.  I wish others would stop the ” you really should be closer to your roots” sermon and maybe get outside their small world.  They may just learn that life isn’t just about how close Walmart/coffee shop/school/spa  is to your house but that there are other views that are just a valid as their own. 

Whew, enough of that!  Onwards!  The reality of my studies is slowly dawning on me.  It’s not that I’m not aware of what I’m getting myself into.  It’s that feeling of “can I really do this?”  that is slowly but surely creeping up on me.  I’m trying not to tie any sort of expectation to this coming year, it’s more “I’ve planned to do this, so let’s see how I get there” kind of outlook.  I’ve been learning that I set myself up for disappointment and unnecessary anxiety when I start to think of all the what-ifs.  It’s hard not to.  I’m a worry wart in that sense!  There have been many times in the past where I’ve had to mentally stop and just do nothing for a few minutes.  Once I’ve cleared my head, I can start to see why I’m reacting in such a way and kinda re-centre myself.  Like taking a deep breath mentally before moving on.  I want to succeed so badly that I have to stop myself from getting worked up even before it’s started.  So here’s to a great journey, both to England and beyond!